How Many Licks Does It Take? Tootsie Pops!
by MSkyDragons
Summary: The characters of Trigun try to answer the question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" in random, crazy, and funny ways...
1. Blue

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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, nor do I own Tootsie Pops…

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Welcome to "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Do you remember those old commercials where some random little kid asks that question and tries to find the answer? Well, today, the Trigun characters try to answer that question!

A/N: This is kind of a "spin-off" type thing from my other story "How do you eat your Reese's?" You don't have to of read that to understand this, but you may want to check it out :)

(Please note: that some of the Tootsie Pop flavors mentioned in this or latter chapters may or may not exist.)

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Let's begin with…

[ Person Number 1: Legato Bluesummers ]

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            On this particular day, a really strange looking dude with blue hair was sitting in the middle of a town square, on a bench, looking deep in thought. It was a busy town, and people were bustling all around.

Legato: _Hmmmmmm…_

            -He eyes the people of the town evilly-

            -Looking down at the ground next to the bench, he notices a withered flower/weed with many petals-

Legato: -stares at the flower- _Hmmmmm…_

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Legato: [plucks petal] _Destroy them all…_

Legato: [plucks another petal] _Don't destroy them all…_

Legato: [plucks petal] _Destroy them all…_

Legato: [plucks another petal] _Don't destroy them all…_

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Meanwhile…

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            A little boy is walking around in what happened to be the same town as the weird person who was sitting on a bench yanking petals off a flower. This random little boy was named Timmy for no particular reason and was very excited on this being his very first day on the job working for the Tootsie Roll plant located down the street.

            Timmy was walking down the street, holding a bag of Tootsie Pops searching for someone to give samples to.

            Suddenly he spots a guy, who to him, looks bored, so he rushes up to him…

Timmy: [speaking faster than comprehension] "Hey, mister! My names Timmy! Do you wanna try some Tootsie Pops! Hey, a flower! You have blue hair! Hey! Can ya tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?…"

Legato: [oblivious, plucks the last petal] _Don't destroy them all…_

_Don't destroy them all!!! Uh!  -_eyes the annoying child-_ How unfortunate…_

Timmy: "Hey, mister, are you listening?"

Legato: -evil glare-

Timmy: "Uh…Hey! You look…kinda…upset…"

"How about a Tootsie Pop to make you feel better!" –happily smiles while holding out the bag of Tootsie Pops-

Legato: -stares angrily at the bag until he notices that these "Tootsie Pops" the child is speaking of is actually a type of candy-

Legato: -smiles a happy evil smile- "…sweets…candy…sweets…"

Timmy: "Um. Yeah." _I guess I'll take that as a 'yes'._

"Which flavor do you want?"

Legato, who is still smiling, seems far off, daydreaming about yummy hotdogs…cheesecake…sweets…ice cream…and of course…chocolate candy.

Timmy: "Uh, mister?"

…no response

_Hmmm_, Timmy thought as he looked into the bag trying to decide which flavor to give this strange man.

_I know, I'll give him Blueberry, since his hair is Blue!_

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            Timmy digs around in the Tootsie Pops bag until he successfully locates a blueberry flavored Tootsie Pop. He then holds the candy out to Legato.

Timmy: "Here, mister."

            Legato takes the candy and starts to unwrap it.

Timmy: "Don't forget to tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center!"

            Timmy stares as Legato holds the candy with his left arm as he starts to eat the Tootsie Pop.

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Legato: [licks Tootsie Pop] _one_

Legato: [licks Tootsie Pop] _two_

Legato: [licks Tootsie Pop] _three_

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Legato: [licks his fingers by accident] _…_

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Legato: [licks his fingers some more] _…_

Timmy: "Um…mister?"

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Legato: [starts licking his hand] _mmm…_

-the Tootsie Pop falls from his hand and lands in the sand-

Timmy: -really confused- "Uh…mister?!"

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Legato: [starts licking his arm] _yummy_

Timmy thinks that at this point it would be a good idea to back away from crazy-man.

Timmy: [runs off]

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Legato: [still licking his left arm]

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5 hours later

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Legato: [_still_ licking his arm, very much oblivious to the many passersby who are giving him strange stares.]

_Mmmm…tastes like blueberries…_

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end

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How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Gunsmoke may never know.

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_Next time:_  lemon and lime (flavored candy, that is)

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	2. Yellow & Green

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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, nor do I own Tootsie Pops…

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Last time on _Tootsie Pops:_

- Legato dismantled a helpless flower, Timmy gave Legato a blueberry Tootsie Pop, and… Legato made-out with his left arm.

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Today on _How many licks does it take? Tootsie Pops!_…

( Persons that Number 2: Vash & Meryl )

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Scene: off in the desert somewhere random in Knives' secret hangout evil layer place…

Knives(agitated): "LEGATO!!!!"

Legato: -comes running up from wherever he was at- "Yes, Mastah?"

Knives(looks angry): -holds up the tattered remains of the flower Legato previously destroyed-

Legato: " … "

Legato: "…uh… Mastah, how did you—"

Knives(really mad): "LEGATO!!! How dare you murder a plant! One of my fellow brethren!" –Knives hugs the flower-

Legato: " … "

Legato(thinks for a second): " …but Mastah…"

Knives: "Silence! …I hereby decree that you shall eat tofu & brussel-sprouts and nothing but tofu & brussel-sprouts for one entire year!!!"

Legato: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Legato(thinks for a second): "…you… aren't even that kind of plant."

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Hmmm, guess that means no more sweets for poor, poor Legato.

Legato(in his no-sweets world): "Oh, the agony…"

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Meanwhile:

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In some town with a name that was very likely also name of a month of the year, Vash and Meryl were chilling out on a plain old wooden bench that sat right in front of a scenic water fountain that was bubbling away, wasting precious water that some people need on that DESERT planet.

Vash was crying for some of his sweet, sweet donuts because he had not had any in five whole minutes, and Meryl was telling him to shut up. They were in this predicament and stuck together sitting on this bench because they told Milly that they would meet her there after she finished raiding the local grocery place for pudding.

Unbeknownst to them, a little boy named Timmy was heading right in their general direction and he was about to change the course of their lives forever…or not.

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Timmy: -spots Vash and runs towards him- "Hey, mister! Wanna try a Tootsie Pop!? Tell me how many licks it takes?"

Timmy stares up at Vash, holding up the bag of Tootsie Pops. Vash was so deep in his dreaming-of-donuts-land that he missed just about everything Timmy said.

Vash: "Huh? …licks? …Tootsie Pop …Hey?"

Vash(snaps back to reality): "What's happening?" –looks at Timmy- "…Oh, a child—"

Vash(happy smiles): "Hey, a child! I love children! WannaPutMeInStrangleHolds?"

Timmy: "Uh…" –backs away…s l o w l y.

-bump-

Timmy, in his hurriedness to back away from Vash who was creeping him out with his offers for Timmy to put him in strangle holds, backed into Milly who had just come up from behind.

Milly(smiles): "Hi!"

Timmy: "um…hi…"

Milly: "And what's your name?"

Timmy(timidly): "…Timmy."

-Vash cuts in-

Vash(excited): "Hey! Timmy! Like Tiny-Tim from that Charles Dickens book…"

Timmy, Milly, Meryl: -BLANK STARE-

-crickets chirp-

Vash(a little less excited): "…You know… the one with that guy… and…"

-BLANK STARE-

-crickets chirp-

Vash: "and…"

-BLANK STARE-

-crickets chirp-

Vash: "God bless us everyone?"

-BLANK STARE-

-crickets chirp-

Wolfwood: "AMEN!"

Everyone: "Where did he come from?"

-pause-

Vash: "Well, it was a book that Rem read to me, once…you know…A Christmas Carol."

-BLANK STARE-

Timmy: "Never heard of it."

Meryl: "You can read!?"

Milly: "I like pudding!"

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"Anyway…", Timmy said, "…back to the Tootsie Pops—"

"—anybody want one?"

Vash: -jumps up and down- "Me!"

Milly: "Sorry, I'm already stuffed with pudding…"

Meryl: -exasperated sigh-

Timmy(to Vash): "Alright, mister. What flavor do you want?"

Vash: -looks at his coat- "Um…red!!! Please!"

Timmy reaches into the Tootsie Pop bag.

Timmy: "Um, sorry…I'm outta red"

Vash: -cries-

Timmy: " …"

Timmy looks again into the bag.

Timmy: -holds up a yellow Tootsie Pop- "Mister, how about a lemon flavor, since you've got blonde hair?"

Legato is suddenly seen passing behind Timmy in the crowd, desperately licking whatever might be left of the sweet blueberry flavor that dripped onto his hand…since he won't be allowed sweets any more because of Knives.

Legato(to Timmy): "You're predictable." –he walks off-

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Vash(dries his tears): "I… guess that sounds good." –he holds the lemon Tootsie Pop in front of his face quizzically-

Timmy(to Meryl): "What about you, ma'am? Want a Tootsie Pop?" –makes cute puppy dog eyes pleadingly-

Meryl: "Oh…fine…whatever."

Timmy: "What color do you want?"

Meryl(unsure): -looks around- "Ah…no….um….well?" –her eyes find themselves on Vash, more specifically, his eyes-

Meryl: "How about…green?"

Timmy reaches into the bag.

Timmy: "Yep, we got green" –hands Meryl the lime flavored Tootsie Pop-

Timmy(to Vash & Meryl): "Don't forget to tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pops."

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Meryl stares for a moment at the lime Tootsie Pop. She was about to lick it when she noticed that Vash had yet to lick his lime flavored Tootsie Pop. Meryl stopped, wondering what was wrong.

Meryl: "What's wrong? Why aren't you eating it?"

-long pause-

Vash(determined): "I am trying to visualize it as a donut…but it isn't working"

Meryl: -sigh- "You are an idiot, Vash the Stampede" –licks the Tootsie Pop-

-thinks- …_though, a hot idiot_…

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And so, Vash and Meryl began to lick their own respective Tootsie Pops. Timmy and Milly were just standing there in front of the bench, watching.

Meryl(counting licks): _one, two three…_

Vash(counting licks): one, _two, three, four, five, seven, eleven, five, eight, seven, five, three, zero, nine…_

A few minutes pass.

Vash: "Hey, Meryl…want some of my Tootsie…Pop" -_why do I feel so hot…besides the fact this is a desert planet?_

Meryl: "I don't know…mine…tastes…pretty good." –_I do believe I am getting a bit…dizzy_

Vash(smiling goofily): "Why don't we…trade?"

Meryl(feeling giddy): "Sure thing"

They turn towards each other on the bench and bang their heads together by accident. Milly and Timmy are starting to wonder what's going on.

Vash: "Hmmm…trading seems…dangerous…why don't we…share" –_Meryl sure is hot_

Meryl(evil smile): "Good…idea!" –_why do I feel so frisky all of a sudden?_

Meryl and Vash move the Tootsie Pops toward each other until the lemon and lime are stuck together. And then, they smile as they slowly lick the combined Tootsie Pops at the same time.

…Which, of course, lead them to licking each other's tongues.

…And then Vash started licking Meryl's face…

…And Meryl came back and licked Vash's face in return…

Vash & Meryl: _-yummy_

Milly(shock): "…"

Timmy(wide-eyed): "I didn't mean THAT kind of LICKING!!!"

Meryl and Vash then grabbed each other in an embrace…

…then they started kissing like mad…

Timmy: "ewwwwww"

And kissing some more…

Timmy: "ewwwwww"

The Tootsie Pops fell in the sand…

Then some loud moaning was heard in the background…

Milly: "…" –puts a hand over Timmy's eyes-

Then, Meryl hopped on Vash, pushing him further backwards over the bench…causing the bench to lean.

Milly(concerned): "um…Meryl?"

-the bench leaned a little more-

Milly: "Meryl….I think that…"

Vash & Meryl: "Whhhhhhooooooooaaaaaaa!!!" – The bench tipped over all the way, tossing them both into the fountain of water-

-SPLASH-

Milly: "I tried to tell ya…"

Vash(confused): "Ah, it's cold!" -sitting in the water fountain- "What just happened?"

Meryl(disoriented): -looking around & also sitting in the water fountain- "…I'm all wet."

Wolfwood sprints past: "Ha, talk about a cold shower"

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Timmy(wide-eyed): "That was not normal"

Timmy then took a look at the Tootsie Pop bag, looking for answers.

"Ingredients: Sugar, Transmutated-Sugar, Genetically-enhanced-sugar, water, corn syrup, Plant by-products, and SECRET INGREDIENTS."

"Huh….what could that be I wonder?" said Timmy, somewhat panicked and concerned. But he reads onward:

"WARNING: Eating of certain flavors in junction with certain genes of the consumer in an environment of unusually high heat can cause bizarre side effects, up to and including: insanity, horny-ness, cannibalism, food-craving, stupidity, heart failure, gas, sonic-diarrhea, death, illiteracy, mutation, amnesia, and pms. Other unknown side-effects could also occur."

Meryl: "These Tootsie Pops do not sound very safe. I don't think Bernadeli Insurance would cover damages caused by these things."

Timmy thinks a moment then wanders off unnoticed, hording the Tootsie Pops.

Milly: "What do we do now?"

Vash(to Meryl): "How about a date?"

-WHACK-

Meryl: - had just hit Vash with her typewriter- "Ugh!" – walks off.

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Meanwhile in some back alley, in the same town, Timmy was unknowingly being followed.

Legato: "MUST. HAVE. TOOTSIE. POPS."

Timmy: "AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!"

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To be continued

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How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Gunsmoke may never know.

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_Next time:_ what happened to all the red Tootsie Pops?

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End file.
